Hate Myself for Loving You
by EnglishPoet18
Summary: Merle/Andrea (Mandrea) oneshot. Written for Sweetkiwi604 and I'm now missing Merle something fierce so I couldn't turn it down. Rated M. I own nothing from The Walking Dead.


**Yes, I know the title is a song, but it just seemed to fit so humor me. LOL. This prompt is for my lovely sweetkiwi604 who has me missing Merle something awful right now. I slept on this last night and this morning this whole thing just spiraled. I think I've typed until my fingers are bloody nubs. It's been one of those that I literally had to type faster just to keep up with my brain. So my dear sweetkiwi, this is for you! I hope you and everyone else who reads enjoys. Thanks! **

...

It had been a rough week for Merle Dixon and despite how well he had been doing at managing to stay away from drugs, he couldn't say the same for alcohol. It was payday, signaling the start of the weekend and his paycheck was burning a hole in his pocket. He knew inevitably where he would end up so why prolong it?

Most days he was lucky just to get through the day without the constant demons plaguing him, the shadows of ghosts past whispering in his ear. There wasn't any getting away from it, that much he had found out. He could dull it though, burn it into a blur with alcohol and that's exactly what he was doing.

Lifting the glass to his lips, he took another shot of whiskey, smacking his lips together satisfactorily as the alcohol burned its way down into his gut. Nobody understood how hard it was for him to quit drinking. Daryl still gave him shit for it from time to time and everybody else just looked at him like they had expected as much from a Dixon.

It wasn't that simple though. Without the alcohol, he was forced to be alone with his thoughts, face them raw and head on. As hardcore as Merle Dixon was, he was too much of a pussy to face those thoughts without the burn of alcohol in his veins. Memories of his shithead of a daddy and the shit he had put him and his brother through were a constant presence in his head. Try as he might, there was no escaping the visions of his brother getting beaten while he could do no more than stand by and watch helplessly, his hands tightened into fists at his side. Every time he would intervene would mean more hits for Daryl later when Merle wasn't around to rescue him. The sounds of his brother's tortured sobs haunted him to this day.

Merle plopped the empty shotglass back on the counter and waved over Joe, the bartender. "Jus' gimme' tha whole damn bottle Joe," Merle said as he dug some money from his pocket and tossed it onto the bar. Joe raised a brow, but didn't comment as he reached underneath the counter and pulled out the bottle of whiskey, half full now. Merle grabbed it before it even hit the counter good and filled his glass, slinging the shot back down his throat as he looked around the nearly full bar.

There were faces he recognized, locals that frequented the bar or he just knew from living here for so long and then there were some he didn't. It didn't much matter to him anymore anyway. He had no friends in this world anymore. He was a loner, the kind of man everyone's mother warned them about. It was the blonde in the corner, laughing at something a friend of hers said that caught his eye. He swiveled on his bar stool to get a better look, sizing her up. It had been a long time since he had seen her and the sight of her was like a breath of fresh air blowing right into his gut. As if sensing eyes on her, she glanced around and he felt it like a punch to the kidneys the moment that she saw him. Their eyes connected and he let his wander over her body, starting at her white tank top that hugged her flat stomach, down to her tight jeans that hugged her ass. He could feel her staring as well, doing her own sizing up and he wanted to smile, but he didn't. That ship had sailed a long time ago and he still felt the sting of that rejection.

Andrea had been his friend for longer than he could remember, longer than most of his other addictions and twice as strong. She had been the only one to put up with his bullshit and she had called him out on it more times than not. She had been the only person that he could ever consider a friend if you didn't count his brother, but Merle had fucked up. They had gotten drunk together one night and things had happened, leading him to the best fuck he had ever had in his miserable life. Everything had been great, just peachy, until the next morning when she had left him without a word, the tires of her car leaving tracks in the dirt from her fast getaway.

They hadn't spoken since.

Truth be told, Merle wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to her. He didn't feel as though he had done anything wrong. The sex had been mutual. There had never been a doubt in his head. He wasn't the type to force himself on any woman. He liked them warm and willing, loved figuring out what made them moan. To him there was nothing better than the feel of a woman wrapped around you, her breath hot and panting in your ear as you gave her the ride of her life.

Turning his back to her, he poured himself another shot and then another. He had plans to get shitfaced and seeing Andrea again only made him want to get there that much quicker. He was doing fine ignoring her, pushing her from his mind too, until he overheard her trying to get away from one of the local drunks who was getting a little too handsy with her. That was the thing with Dixons. They might have been trailer trash, but they were firm believers in not hurting women. Women were meant to be loved and pleasured and any man not understanding this needed to be taught otherwise.

He was trying to ignore her protests for as long as possible, not wanting to get involved into her affairs. She was a strong woman and he had always admired that about her. She didn't take shit from nobody, much like himself. He slammed down another shot, his jaw clenched tight as he listened to her tell him no for the tenth time. That was ten times too many for Merle Dixon. Slamming his glass down on the counter he spun around, eyes falling on them immediately.

The man - Merle didn't know his name, was rubbing up against Andrea, trying to cage her in against the wall as she pushed on his chest, a look of disgust written clearly on her face. He stopped several paces behind them, just close enough that the man would be sure to hear him.

"I believe tha lady said ta leave 'er alone," Merle drawled softly, the warning evident in his tone.

Andrea's eyes flickered to his over the man's shoulder and he saw the briefest flicker of fear cross her face. The man turned and Merle saw the moment that he recognized Merle Dixon himself was talking to him as his eyes widened. He grinned at Merle, his crooked teeth leering and disgusting.

"Come on Merle, was just havin' a little fun," He slurred. "Comin' in here dressed like a slut, she was practically beggin' for it, just like her mama used to," The man laughed and made a lewd gesture, but no one joined in to encourage his antics. There wasn't anyone stupid enough or drunk enough to cross Merle Dixon even on a good day. Except this guy.

Merle stared at Andrea, pain crossing her face at the mention of her mama who had passed away several years ago. He knew from their history together how much Andrea hated being compared to her mama. Merle thought she was nothing like the woman, but Andrea saw nothing but her in the mirror. No matter how badly Merle hurt from Andrea leaving him, he would never leave her defenseless.

It was with these thoughts that Merle Dixon began to smile, a sadistic, violent, smile that meant anything but happiness to come. His hand shot out, grabbing the shorter man by the throat and he lifted him effortlessly, his fingers pressing down firmly over his frantic pulse. The man gasped, clawing at Merle's hands to no avail. His eyes searched the room, but no one stepped forward to offer their help.

"Lemme' go Dixon," He panted, his legs flailing about wildly.

Merle cocked his head to the side, "Aw, come on now, ya fuckin' redneck bastard. Ya practically asked for this, didn't ya ya lil' fuck? Ain't that what ya was askin' for when ya tried ta force yerself on this here beautiful lady when she made it clear she ain't wanted ta be touched?" He spoke softly, his voice laced with menace.

The man began to turn a slight shade of blue, but Merle wasn't done until he felt Andrea's hand on his arm. She nodded to the man, "Just let it go Merle. You don't need another night in jail," She whispered.

Merle eyed her and saw the concern in her eyes. Sighing, he released his grip on the man, letting him crash to the floor in a tangle of arms and limbs as he gasped for air. Grabbing his arm, Andrea began to lead him away from the man and Merle let her.

"Redneck trash, the both of ya!" The man yelled loudly as they were walking, his voice hoarse from Merle's bruising grip.

Merle tensed, his hands balling into fists, but it was Andrea who whirled around first. She strode straight up to the man and kicked him square in the nuts causing him to grab his crotch and howl in pain. Merle stared on, a mixture of admiration and pride shining in his eyes as he watched her go.

She knelt down in front of the man, "This is coming from the man I saw just last week taking it in the ass by his own brother. You're no better than the shit I scraped off of my shoe last week you inbred hick!" She hissed, kicking him again for good measure.

Merle darted forward and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her off of the ground as she attempted to go in again. As much as he loved watching her kick ass, he didn't want her to get arrested either. She clawed at his arms as he carried her through the crowd of drunks and outside of the bar where he deposited her firmly in the parking lot.

"Reckon' ain't neither one o' us needs ta spend tha night in jail Bruce Lee," He drawled with a smirk.

Andrea huffed, running her fingers through her hair as her chest heaved in anger, "God I hate this town!"

Merle slid one arm across her shoulders just like old times, swaying softly on his feet from the alcohol, "Me too darlin', me too."

She led him to her car, "Get in. I'll drive you home."

"Ain't drunk," Merle protested, placing one hand on the car to steady himself.

Andrea raised a brow, looking pointedly at his hand. She opened the passenger door and pointed inside, "Merle Dixon, don't make me kick you in the nuts too. I'm on a roll tonight so it just might happen."

Merle knew she was being serious, could tell by the expression on her face, but he couldn't help the laugh that he barked out. Sauntering around the open door, he brushed against her purposely.

"Careful darlin'...jus' might like it," He slurred as he plopped himself onto the seat.

"Asshole," Andrea muttered as she slammed the door in his face.

That was the last thing Merle Dixon remembered as he passed out into a drunken slumber.

...

Merle groaned as bright sunlight filtered into the room, nearly blinding him with its intensity. Someone was kicking him and he muttered cuss words under his breath as he rolled over, squinting as he opened his eyes a crack to see his brother standing next to him.

"Get up you bastard," Daryl said as he nudged Merle's foot with his boot again.

Merle scowled as he sat up on the couch, his eyes adjusting somewhat to the light that didn't seem as bright as he had initially thought. He rubbed his forehead, glad to find that he didn't have a migraine. He still felt like he had been drug through the mud though, but he had expected that at the very least.

"How'd ya ass get home last night? Don't see tha bike outside," Daryl commented as he moved into the small kitchen just off of the living room.

Merle blinked, the events of the night before slowly coming back to him in bits and pieces. He finally remembered Andrea forcing him into her car and calling him an asshole, but that was the last that he could remember.

"Andrea," Merle said as he stretched his muscles, letting out a groan as his back popped.

Daryl's face registered his surprise, "Y'all talkin' again?"

Merle shrugged, "Ain't said all that brother. Jus' said she brought me home is all." Merle sucked his teeth.

Daryl shook his head, "Well if ya want a ride to ya bike then ya best be gettin' ya ass ready cause I gotta leave for work here soon."

Merle rolled his eyes, "Yes mama," He replied sarcastically, snickering when Daryl gave him the finger. "Be ready in ten minutes."

This time it was Daryl's turn to roll his eyes, "Better make that fifteen if ya wanna smell better'n a horse's ass," He remarked.

"Fuck you Darlina."

...

Merle fired up his bike, nodding once to his brother as he lifted the kickstand, revving the engine. It was like music to his soul and he loved the feeling of raw power between his thighs, the sheer adrenaline of riding down the highway on his beast of a bike. He wasn't in the mood to go home so he turned in the opposite direction as he left the parking lot, enjoying the fresh air blowing on him.

He didn't really have a particular destination in mind so he was mildly surprised when he ended up turning down the street that Andrea lived on, pulling up into her driveway and idling for several moments. The path from his place to hers was so familiar that his brain had driven him there on autopilot. Deciding that they needed to talk after last night's events, he switched off the bike and walked up to her door.

The rusty trailer wasn't good for much and it concealed nothing as he listened to her footsteps coming down the hallway to the door. She opened the door, peering out and blinking in surprise when she saw him standing there. He liked the fact that he had surprised her. Instead of inviting him in though, she crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame, regarding him silently.

"Come take a ride with me sugah," He drawled, gesturing to the bike. He knew how much she loved riding on his bike.

Andrea sighed, "I don't know Merle."

Merle frowned, "What's ta fuckin' know?" He pointed to the bike, "Get yer ass on tha bike for I throw ya over my shoulder an' make ya." He smiled to let her know that he was playing around, pleased to see the hint of a responding smile tease her lips.

She finally rolled her eyes and sighed, "Alright. Give me a minute to get my shit and lock up. Where are we going?"

"Ya don't ask a man where he's goin' when he wants ta take ya for a ride, ya jus' get on an' ride."

Shaking her head, she disappeared back inside while Merle fired up the bike again, letting the engine idle as he straddled it. She was out of the door a few minutes later and he had to force himself not to stare at her shorts that looked like she had poured her ass into them. Andrea had fantastic legs and Merle's mouth watered just staring at them.

She slid onto the bike behind him and it was like slipping on a pair of comfortable jogging pants. She fit against him so perfectly that it was as if they were both made for the bike. He waited until she slid her arms around his waist and rested her cheek on his shoulder before he took off, riding with the wind. He had no particular destination in mind, but he knew that he couldn't just drive them around forever. If he wanted to talk about shit, then he needed to find somewhere private where they could do just that. An idea sprung to mind as he drove and he gunned the bike, urging the wheels to move faster now that a plan was in place.

...

Merle drove them down several small trails until he found the clearing that he was looking for. It was one that he and Daryl had discovered many years ago while hunting. It was secluded and peaceful, just what he was looking for. There was also a tiny creek that ran parallel to the clearing, the water splashing over the rocks softly.

He cut the engine and Andrea slipped off, looking around them curiously. Merle stayed on the bike, straddling it as he watched her walk to the tiny creek and dip her hand into the water, testing the temperature before walking back over to him.

"Well? You got me here? What do you want Merle?" She asked softly.

"Wanna talk 'bout what happened between us," He replied.

Andrea's face hardened and she swallowed, trying to turn away from him, but he grabbed her by the wrist, firmly enough to keep her from running from him.

"What do you want from me Merle?" She asked loudly.

Merle narrowed his eyes, "I want ta know what tha hell happened! I have tha best fuck o' my life an' then ya jus' up an' leave my ass without so much as a 'fuck you asshole' tha next mornin'!"

Andrea swiped at her eyes, tears welling up quickly, tearing at his gut. "I can't. Merle, I can't."

"Why can't ya?" He whispered.

She yanked her wrist from his grip, "Because I was falling for you, you asshole!" She let out a small frustrated scream.

Merle tilted his head, hardly believing his ears. Of all of the things he had expected to hear from her, that hadn't been one of them. He was momentarily perplexed and he just stared at her in shock.

Finally he nodded, "I get it. I ain't good enough for ya," He understood perfectly. He was destined to be exactly what his daddy had said he would be - a miserable drunk who would spend the rest of his days alone.

Andrea shook her head, stepping closer to him, "Are you kidding me? It's me, Merle! I'm not good enough for you. I'm nothing more than a...a whore. Just like my mother was," She whispered dejectedly.

Merle felt his blood boil at hearing those words come from her. She wasn't supposed to be like this. She was so much more than that. Why couldn't she see that?

He grabbed her by the arm, tugging her over to him. She came willingly this time and he lifted her, sliding her onto the bike in front of him so that she was facing him. She wouldn't be able to run easily this way. He wiped at the tears that had pooled beneath her eyes with the pads of his thumbs, flicking them away. He dipped his head, running his nose up the middle of her shirt between her breasts, inhaling the sweet scent of lavender, a scent that he associated with her. He rested his head at the crook of her neck, his nose against her pounding pulse as he breathed her in.

She shivered, "I'm scared Merle," She admitted softly.

He pulled back, eying her, "Ain't no need ta be scared darlin'," He whispered.

Unable to resist, he leaned forward and captured her lips with his, pouring his soul into the kiss. She was startled, but then she returned his kiss full force, her arms winding around his neck. He kissed her until he was nearly breathless with desire, his dick rubbing painfully against the crotch of his jeans. She rocked against him, hanging her legs across his on either side of him. Keeping her eyes locked onto his, she lay back on the bike, confident that he wouldn't let them tip over.

Arching her hips against him so that he hissed she said, "Make the pain go away Merle," She begged.

He swore softly under his breath, his hands already working the button and zipper of her shorts. It was tight, but he managed to get his fingers underneath her panties, brushing them over her bare skin. His nostrils flared as he explored her, incredibly turned on to find that she was shaven. He knew he wouldn't be able to leave without tasting her. For now he was content to work his fingers into her, slowly swirling them between her lips, seeking out her magic. She was wet, her body already prepping for him and he loved every minute of it.

He knew the second he found her magic because she arched her hips higher, her mouth falling open as he hit it dead on center. Merle slowed his caresses, rubbing her swollen nub softly back and forth. She began to moan, closing her eyes as she let the pleasure ride through her. With one finger, he slid deep inside of her, filling her as he continued to swab the other in maddening circles.

"_Merle_," She panted.

"Fuck right, Merle," He growled, his eyes overcome with arousal. "Cum undone for me blondie. Take ole' Merle's fingers for a ride."

She began to piston into his hand and he knew she was getting close. He kept up his steady pace, his eyes drinking in every feature of her body. She was completely captivating as the waves of her orgasm closed over her, her body bucking against his hand until she finally lay spent. Her face was flushed and her half-open eyes watched him as he sucked his fingers dry.

Leaning up, she grabbed the hem of his shirt, lifting it up and over his head. He returned the favor, his eyes feasting onto her cherry red bra hungrily. She held him in a trance as she worked the clasp undone, freeing her breasts to him. He whistled under his breath. He knew they had done this once before, but his memories were blurred at best. He didn't have these vivid images to keep him warm on cold nights.

Standing, he held the bike steady with his muscular thighs, unzipping his pants and pulling out his dick. She eyed him, her tongue sweeping across her bottom lip, making his cock twitch in anticipation. Between the two of them, they managed to remove her shorts without her getting off of the bike and he swept the material of her panties aside, rubbing her swollen lips with the back of his hand.

She rocked against him and he smiled as he bit his lip. "Ya still on tha pill?" He asked gruffly, hoping he wouldn't need the condom he always carried around in his wallet. He hated the fuckers, but he remembered how Andrea had told him she was on the pill when they had been too drunk to remember protection.

She nodded and Merle grabbed her hips swiftly, angling her down onto his hard length. She gasped as he filled her, lifting his hips to push into her even more. he kept his boots planted firmly on the ground beside the bike, his legs held taut as she began to move. He bent his head and suckled at her neck, brushing her blonde hair aside so that he could graze his teeth over her skin. He bit into her flesh softly, just enough to leave his calling card.

Andrea was his. There would be no others now. He would make sure of it.

She moaned, her body grinding against him as she worked towards her orgasm. Cupping her breasts in his hands, he lavished them with his tongue, sucking on each peak until they were hard pebbles and Andrea was whimpering against him.

"Goddamn woman," Merle growled. "Ride me sugah."

She made noises low in her throat, her hips rocking frantically over him now. He placed his hands on her ass, tugging her closer so that he could thrust up into her. She cried out suddenly, her body convulsing against him. He held her wrapped within his arms as she rhythmically spasmed over him. He kissed her lips, tracing the outline of her mouth with his tongue as she struggled for breath.

"Hold onta them handlebars darlin'," He coaxed, feeling his body close in on his own orgasm.

Andrea complied, stretching her arms out to grip the handles of the bike. Merle steadied the bike, reaching behind him to plant his hands on the seat. He thrust up into her, using the seat as leverage. She cried out with each thrust and Merle ground his teeth together as he teetered on the edge before exploding into her, his cock twitching as he filled her with his cum.

"Fuck," He muttered, swallowing hard.

Andrea hummed a reply, her body nearly glistening in the light. He helped her sit back up and they kissed, still straddling his bike. She leaned into his chest with a sigh, burrowing into him as his softened length slid free of her.

"I love you Merle," She murmured softly and he almost missed it, but his gut clenched when he heard it.

"Ya sure 'bout that darlin'?" He muttered, his eyes searching hers. "I ain't a easy man ta love."

"You forget that I know you Merle Dixon...almost better than I know myself. Besides, when have you ever known me to back down from a challenge?" She smiled softly and he smiled back, shaking his head as he rocked with silent laughter.

She stared at him for a bit and then her eyes flickered in sadness, "It's okay if you don't feel the same. I can wait," She whispered as she tried to move for her clothes.

Merle blinked, caught out in left field. He stopped her from moving and forced her to face him, lifting her chin with his finger.

"Who says I don't feel tha same?" He questioned, his voice almost angry.

"You didn't say it back."

Merle cocked his head to the side, cupping her cheek as he stroked his thumb over her soft skin, "Then I guess ya wasn't listenin'," He replied.

"I was listening and you never said it," She argued.

"Goddamn woman," He shook his head, "Argue a damn fence post. Christ."

Merle grabbed her hair, sweeping his tongue deep into her mouth once more, pouring his thoughts and unspoken emotions into the kiss. When he pulled back for air, her lips were red and swollen, her eyes misty.

"I said it with every thrust an' every kiss...every touch was me tellin' ya how much I loved ya," Merle ran his finger between her breasts and felt her skin grow rippled as chills swept through her. "Like I said...ya wasn't listenin'."

Andrea sniffed, rubbing at her eyes in aggravation as she smiled at him, "I hate you, Merle."

He chuckled, "I hate you too, darlin'."

...


End file.
